In Me Arse (2013)
In Me Arse 2013 was the third edition of the annual In My Ass event, held on July 19, 2013. The show was highlighted by such matches as Sheamus defending his World Heavyweight Championship against DEFAULT, Ricardo Diaz putting his WWE Championship on the line against Big Show and J-Pac in a Triple Threat match, and Carlito squaring off aganst Eddie Guerrero with a future championship opportunity up for grabs. __TOC__ Background Sheamus pulled out a shocking victory to obtain the World Heavyweight Championship at Diaz's Fuck Fest IX. As experts have pointed out, Hogan never managed to hit the leg drop and therefore came up just short to a barrage of Brogue Kicks. Also at the event, a bearded DEFAULT made his return to the ring to demolish Chris Jericho in a Steel Cage match. Rumors say that Jericho is still recovering from this contest. Walter P. Wiley, now the new commissioner of SvR06, seemed pleased with his son's new vicious attitude and named him the top contender for Sheamus' title. Knowing how shrewd Walter was before, competitors better hope to get on the commissioner's good side quick. With that in mind, will Walter get involved and lead his son to victory against the common enemy of Sheamus or will DEFAULT stand defiant and anger his father even further? Ricardo Diaz made good on his word by winning the WWE Championship in the main event of his own show, although critics (namely Carlito) have credited the officiating of Eddie Guerrero for this. Also at the event, J-Pac fell to Big Show. Pac was displeased with Batista's assistance, as he was prevented from interfering in the match by Show's ally Rey Mysterio. Considering he was removed from a World Heavyweight Championship match in February due to J-Pac's meddling, Big Show made a successful claim for a shot at Diaz. However, J-Pac alleged that Big Show's victory at The Fest was attributed to his counterfeit hand and demanded placement in the title match as well. With that, a triple threat match was drawn up between the three combatants. During the contract signing, J-Pac ambushed his two opponents by hiding underneath the table for the duration of the signing and attacking them following the proceedings. It was there that J-Pac dubbed himself The Infinity Kid, because once he's finished with the two of them at In Me Arse, the referee could count to infinity if he wanted to. Carlito's 18 month long championship reign met its end at The Fest at the hands of Ricardo Diaz. However, Carlito blamed his loss on the officiating of surprise guest referee Eddie Guerrero and pointed out that his lying, cheating, and stealing philosophy is not cool. Guerrero made it clear that he wants a shot at the WWE Championship, if for no other reason, to prevent Carlito from ever subjecting everyone to an excessive reign like the one he just concluded. Carlito sent Disco Drew to sabotage Eddie's lowrider as a means of getting into Guerrero's head. Unfortunately, Disco ended up accidentally locking himself within the trunk of the car. The hydraulics made for a bumpy ride for Carlito's hairless associate. Nevertheless, Carlito will square off against Eddie Guerrero with a championship opportunity being awarded to the victor. The King of the Ring tournament has reached the finals, where at In Me Arse, Ultimate Warrior and The Kingpin will square off for the coveted crown. These two individuals have been in a heated war for the Million Dollar Championship since the beginning of the year. Now, they will battle it out for the right to rule over the SvR06 kingdom. WPW did not have a very fortunate Fest this year, as they were beaten by the Hollywood tandem of Chewbacca, Stone Cold, and The Rock via Austin choking Goldust into incapacity while their teammates looked on in concern. However, WPW leader Walter P. Wiley had arguably his most successful Fest ever when he became commissioner of SvR06. Given that the WWE Tag Team Champions have the worst win/loss record out of the four members of WPW, Walter suggested that they prove their usefulness by defending their titles against the dynamic duo of Dynamite Derek and Super Sheik. If they don't manage to keep the belts securely around their waists, Walter has threatened to take back their WPW membership rings and special issue WPW underwear. If Walter had little faith in WPW before, the loss to Chewbacca's team at The Fest heightened these fears. As a fitting punishment for Chewie, Walter decided to place him in a match with the most frightening product of chemistry since nitroglycerin. Per stipulation, if Vigo the Carpathian could defeat The Undertaker he could have his body that he may live again. With that, everybody paid witness to the uncomfortable viewing experience that was the inception of what some refer to as The Vigotaker. The Wookie Warrior will square off with the Phenom of Moldavia in what is sure to be a massive match-up. The Pranksters seemed to have a psychological advantage over the team of Kane Paul and Coach D at The Fest when they put their World Tag Team Titles on the line against the tandem. Earlier in the day, the prank-pulling partners had taped a "Kick Me" sign to the back of D's new jacket. However, this didn't stop the D-Man from defeating Prankster Skates to claim the belts for he and Kane. The Pranksters decided that in order to get their titles back, they needed to focus and begin channeling the spirit of other great tag teams through the ages. As the two sought to reclaim their titles, JBL made his return to see DCR down the right path to championship glory and proclaimed himself and his business associate the rightful #1 contenders for the titles. To determine which team will be next in line for a championship match, the four men will compete in a Tag Team Tables match. At Diaz's Fuck Fest IX, we saw the famous fro of Disco Drew shaved off by Dynamite Derek. Since then, things have been in a downward spiral for the self-proclaimed Disco Stud. Carlito has distanced himself from his Frozone comrade, not to mention that the disco groupies have been revolted at the sight of Disco's disgustingly pale scalp. At In Me Arse, Disco Drew will attempt to get back on the right path by proving that there is more to a successful life than having an amazing afro when he takes on Tiger. Results After a relaxing summer break, the stars of SvR06 returned to action on an evening of twists and turns. Let's delve deep In Me Arse! Kicking things off, the returning JBL partnered with DCR to challenge The Pranksters in a Tables match with a shot at the World Tag Team Titles on the line. Earlier in the day, JBL's mysterious new limo driver with thick glasses, a large nose, and a mustache managed to park the brash billionaire's limousine atop the Brooklyn Bridge. Though the duo was fazed by this outlandish prank-a-roo, they proceeded into battle regardless. The Pranksters, in an attempt to rekindle some tag team chemistry, channeled the power of Demolition. The strategy paid off, as Prankster Ben managed to drive DCR through a splintering table for the victory that will lead the assless chap-wearing duo straight to a rematch against Coach D and Kane Paul. Up next, Disco Drew attempted to fight through the shame of losing his signature afro by proving it doesn't take hair to be successful. In a surprisingly hard fought contest, Drew came out on top over Tiger despite the chants of "Disco Bald." However, when an onlooker took notice of the fact that Disco's new dome made him bear a resemblance to rapper Pitbull, the crowd began a chant of "Pit-bull" in unison. Disco fled backstage and hasn't been seen since. In the final round of the King of the Ring tournament, former king Ultimate Warrior took on Million Dollar Champion Kingpin. Despite Warrior's unmatched strength, he was unable to withstand the weight of Wilson Fisk crashing down upon his chest cavity. The Kingpin has seized the throne. Walter had made it clear that Goldust and Count Out needed to prove themselves worthy if they wanted to remain in WPW. The WWE Tag Team Champions saw no better opportunity to do so than to take on Justice Bro members Dynamite Derek and Super Sheik. With Tajiri and The Hurricane in tow, the chaotic contest saw many quick count out attempts made by Count Out. In the end, however, the masked avengers bested the WPW representatives and won themselves tag team gold. Infuriated, Walter told Goldust and Count Out that if they wanted to remain in WPW that they would have to join Walter P. Wiley's "Kiss My Dick!" Club. When both seemed more than willing to do so, Walter signaled for Tajiri to put a foot upside both of their heads. It seems that after three outrageous years, Walter has finally parted ways with Goldbumps and Count Out. Carlito, feeling that he had moved on from biased officiating, took on Eddie Guerrero in a match that would guarantee one of these combatants a future WWE Championship match. However, he didn't expect to find that on old rival had been named special guest referee for this match as well. A man who hadn't been seen since 2012's installment of The Fest. R...V...D. Although Van Dam seemed to struggle counting to three due to being baked out of his mind, Eddie Guerrero managed to pick up the win no less. In an early candidate for match of the year, Ricardo Diaz put his newly won WWE Championship up for grabs against Big Show and "The Infinity Kid" J-Pac. Many have said that J-Pac has been cursed ever since his quick loss to Disco Drew at In My Ass two years prior. After this night, however, it's unlikely those claims will be heard again. With Diaz taken out of the equation, Big Show set to finish off J-Pac once again and capture the title. But with a decisive counter, J-Pac managed to land a J-Factor on the World's Largest Giant Guy to capture the WWE Championship. J-Pac kicked off this year by saying that he was going to make it his, and that vow may be coming to fruition. Vigo was reborn at The Fest when he defeated The Undertaker and claimed his body, that he may live again. With the combined strength of the Demon of Death Valley and the Ruler of Carpathia and Moldavia, a seemingly unstoppable force has been unleashed. Vigo demonstrated his newly obtained power by making much faster work of Chewbacca than anyone could have predicted. I think it's safe to say that no one wants to find themselves in the path of the dreaded Vigotaker. In the final bout of the evening, World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus defended his title against DEFAULT. Walter accompanied Sheamus to ringside, reiterating that he was only out there to do his duty as SvR06 Commissioner. It wasn't long before it was made apparent that this wasn't the case. Walter constantly attempted to slant the match-up in the favor of his son. However, Uncle Winslow did everything in his power to keep DEFAULT focused on winning the match fair and square. As the mustached angel and devil of DEFAULT's conscience debated, Sheamus capitalized on the mayhem by nailing a High Cross on his opponent and closed the evening with the World Heavyweight Championship still intact.